I had a needle biopsy on my right breast today, to explore a suspicious spot that showed up on an MRI last week. It wasn’t the most fun way to spend an afternoon, but I’m OK.
This is my second biopsy (the first discovered the tumor in my left breast.) I found this one much less physically difficult, but much more emotionally and energetically intense. I think it’s because I’m getting closer to my surgery date (a week from tomorrow) and everything is more intense.
I was more able to be present and intentional in this biopsy, and I think that also increased the intensity. I brought in my phone, and listened to an amazing mantra by Deva Premal. I closed my eyes, and literally leaned into the ancient strength and power of the prayer. I reminded myself that this feels scary, but that it’s not actually dangerous. I remembered that I was here on this bed by my own choosing, that this is not something being “done to” me.
I said prayers of gratitude to all the beings and forces that made this experience possible – to the incredible skill and kindness of the doctor and the techs, to the engineer who designed the machine, to the person who washed the floor in the room, to the earth for providing the metal, to the sun for the electricity that powers it. I turned my physical and energetic body towards the procedure, inviting my cells to collaborate with the anesthetic and to slip easily into the biopsy punch.
Tears poured down my face as they pulled the tissue samples from my breast. They were scrambled-up tears of fear and beauty, of love and grief, of gratitude and loss. It got to the point where I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling, I was just feeling. Completely and fully.
It’s so clear to me that this experience of cancer isn’t good or bad, it just is. Sometimes it’s really hard, and sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s messy, and sometimes it’s incredibly beautiful. But it’s not wrong.
Illness is not a mistake or a problem, it’s a natural part of having a body. The more I can be with cancer without judgement, the more grace I can find.
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(Edited to add that I had a friend accompany me, and that my crystals were with me the whole time; I don’t go anywhere without them!)